What do the next several weeks have in store for you? Read these horoscopes to find out dammit! I worked my ass off for almost 20 minutes to consult the stars and whatnot to bring you this powerful info.
ARIES (March 21 - April 19):
A new opportunity awaits you this week. You know how youve always wanted to start your own business? Well that is exactly what you will do. Unfortunately, your idea to open up a combination deli/foot massage parlor probably wasnt the best. Sure, feta cheese my smell like feet, but thats no excuse.
TAURUS (April 20 - May20):
This month sees you making major changes in your life. You may or may not like these changes but the people around you will be grateful. Come on, how long can someone wear the same socks and underpants without changing them? Good god man your Fruits of the Loom are rotting away right off your body.
GEMINI (May 21 - June 20):
Lets be brutally honest h